From Michael Fitzpatrick to Patrick Fitzmichael, Irish are known for their sense of humour and fun. Here are 25 jokes to get you set up for St Patrick’s day!
Take some jokes, print them, cut them out, fold them, and toss them into a bowl (or mason jar if you are a Pinterest fan). It’s Hilarious to pass them around after a meal or in a meeting and read them out-loud, Speaking in our best – or worst – accent!
Here are some favourites:
- “I had an accident opening a can of alphabet spaghetti this morning,” said Murphy. “Were you injured?” inquired Seamus. “No, but it could have spelled disaster,”
- A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” No one takes up the offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes he comes back and asks the Texan “Is your bet still good?” The Texan says yes and the bartender lines up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?” The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
- An Irish priest gets stopped for speeding. The officer smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and asks” father, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. “Then why do I smell wine?”The priest says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
The Teacher everyone feared -Mrs McPhail
- Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription “Here lies a politician and an honest man.” ‘Faith now,’ exclaims Reilly, ‘I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave. 1
- ‘O’Toole and his wife are in bed one night and they hear the neighbour’s dog is barking its head off in the garden. Somewhat disturbed by the noise, O’Toole explodes, ‘Botheration and that!’ and storms off downstairs. He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, ‘What did you do, O’Toole?’O’Toole replies with a wide grin, ‘I’ve put the dog in our garden so I did, now let’s see how they like it.’
- O’Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery. After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, ‘Not guilty.’ ‘That’s grand,’ shouted O’Gara, ‘Does that mean I get to keep the money?’
The falling Mountain Climber – Rick O’Shea
- An English man and an Irish man are driving and collide on a sharp bend in the road. They are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other. The Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, ”may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.” The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. He goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: ”no thanks, I’ll just wait till the Cops get here!”
- Irish 7 Course Meal: 6 Beers and 1 Potato. No you can’t substitute the potato for another Beer.
- I’m not always sarcastic – just kidding- I’m Irish Sarcasm is my second language.
- Two Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw sign saying “Tree fellers” wanted Murphy said to Pat, said, ‘If only Seamus had been with us we’d have got that job.’ (One of those Irish Jokes better told than written).
The Popular Boyfriends – Phil McCracken, Miles O’Toole
- “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?” “Certainly father,” “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
- Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness. The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness. When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone. The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.” Paudie explains: “You would drink fast too if you had what I have.” The barman asks: “What do you have?” The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”
- Jerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day. One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog. His pal Billy sees him and asks: “Where is your dog?” Mr Murphy answers: “I had to have him put down.” “Was he mad,” asks Billy. “He wasn’t too pleased,” Mr Murphy replies.
- An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: “Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?” The Irishman replies: “No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.” The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys. The barman asks: “Did something happen one of your brothers?” “Oh no,” replies the Irishman. “I just decided to quit drinking!”
A little bit stubborn – Will Knott and his bride Betty Wood-Knott
- Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working. He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “Yes,no,yes,no,yes,no,yes,no”
- ‘What’s wrong with Murphy?’ asked Father Green. ‘I don’t know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn’t stirred since,’ said Mrs Murphy.
- ‘I’m the unluckiest person in the whole world,’ moaned Betty McGrath. ‘I bought a non-stick pan and can’t get the label off.’
- ‘How come every time you ring a wrong number it’s never busy?’
The Well seasoned Belly Dancer – A waist of thyme
- ‘Hello, Mary, how’s your new false teeth?’ asked Bridget. ‘I’m leaving them out till I get used to them!’
- An Irish lass, a customer: ‘Could I be trying on that dress in the window?’ Shopkeeper: ‘I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.’
- Feeney shouted from the kitchen, ‘Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantel piece?’ ‘No,’ said himself, ‘but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.’
- O’Callaghan was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife, ‘Hurry up or we’ll be late.’ ‘Oh, be quiet,’ replied his wife. ‘Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?’
Most effective Irish Sunblock – a Pub!
- Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy “Jez, that look like Sean” to which Paddy replied “No Sean was taller than that”
- Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. “What’s wrong, Seamus?” Paddy asked. “Well didn’t ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus. “Ah, praise the Almighty!” Paddy replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”
- The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first match.
- One night I was chatting with my Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: “When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”
What’s your funniest joke?