25 Great Jokes for a St Patrick’s Day Laugh

From Michael Fitzpatrick to Patrick Fitzmichael, Irish are known for their sense of humour and fun. Here are 25 jokes to get you set up for St Patrick’s day!

St Patricks Day jokes
If you can’t smile and have a laugh on St Patrick’s day – wen ken yah?

  Take some jokes, print them, cut them out, fold them, and toss them into a bowl (or mason jar if you are a Pinterest fan). It’s Hilarious to pass them around after a meal or in a meeting and read them out-loud, Speaking in our best – or worst – accent!

Here are some favourites:

  • “I had an accident opening a can of alphabet spaghetti this morning,” said Murphy. “Were you injured?” inquired Seamus.  “No, but it could have spelled disaster,”
  • A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” No one takes up the offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes he comes back and asks the Texan “Is your bet still good?” The Texan says yes and the bartender lines up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?” The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
  • An Irish priest gets stopped for speeding. The officer smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and asks” father, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest.  “Then why do I smell wine?”The priest says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

The Teacher everyone feared -Mrs McPhail

  • Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription “Here lies a politician and an honest man.” ‘Faith now,’ exclaims Reilly, ‘I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave. 1
  • ‘O’Toole and his wife are in bed one night and they hear the neighbour’s dog is barking its head off in the garden. Somewhat disturbed by the noise, O’Toole explodes, ‘Botheration and that!’ and storms off downstairs. He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, ‘What did you do, O’Toole?’O’Toole replies with a wide grin, ‘I’ve put the dog in our garden so I did, now let’s see how they like it.’
  • O’Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery. After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, ‘Not guilty.’ ‘That’s grand,’ shouted O’Gara, ‘Does that mean I get to keep the money?’

The falling Mountain Climber – Rick O’Shea

  • An English man and an Irish man are driving and collide on a sharp bend in the road. They are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other. The Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, ”may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.” The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. He goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: ”no thanks, I’ll just wait till the Cops get here!”
  • Irish 7 Course Meal: 6 Beers and 1 Potato. No you can’t substitute the potato for another Beer.
  • I’m not always sarcastic – just kidding- I’m Irish Sarcasm is my second language.
  • Two Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw sign saying “Tree fellers” wanted Murphy said to Pat, said, ‘If only Seamus had been with us we’d have got that job.’ (One of those Irish Jokes better told than written).

The Popular Boyfriends – Phil McCracken, Miles O’Toole

  • “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?” “Certainly father,” “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
  • Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness. The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness. When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone. The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.” Paudie explains: “You would drink fast too if you had what I have.” The barman asks: “What do you have?”         The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”
  • Jerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day. One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog. His pal Billy sees him and asks: “Where is your dog?” Mr Murphy answers: “I had to have him put down.” “Was he mad,” asks Billy. “He wasn’t too pleased,” Mr Murphy replies.
Best Irish Jokes Pinterest
A bowl full of jokes for St Patrick’s Day and some Wint-O-Green Lifesavers – the ones that make sparks when you crunch them!
  • An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: “Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?” The Irishman replies: “No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.” The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys. The barman asks: “Did something happen one of your brothers?” “Oh no,” replies the Irishman. “I just decided to quit drinking!”

A little bit stubborn – Will Knott and his bride Betty Wood-Knott

  • Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working. He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “Yes,no,yes,no,yes,no,yes,no”
  • ‘What’s wrong with Murphy?’ asked Father Green. ‘I don’t know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn’t stirred since,’ said Mrs Murphy.
  • ‘I’m the unluckiest person in the whole world,’ moaned Betty McGrath. ‘I bought a non-stick pan and can’t get the label off.’
  • ‘How come every time you ring a wrong number it’s never busy?’

The Well seasoned Belly Dancer – A waist of thyme

  • ‘Hello, Mary, how’s your new false teeth?’ asked Bridget. ‘I’m leaving them out till I get used to them!’
  • An Irish lass, a customer: ‘Could I be trying on that dress in the window?’ Shopkeeper: ‘I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.’
  • Feeney shouted from the kitchen, ‘Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantel piece?’   ‘No,’ said himself, ‘but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.’
  • O’Callaghan was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife, ‘Hurry up or we’ll be late.’ ‘Oh, be quiet,’ replied his wife.  ‘Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?’

Most effective Irish Sunblock – a Pub!

  • Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy “Jez, that look like Sean” to which Paddy replied “No Sean was taller than that”
  • Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. “What’s wrong, Seamus?” Paddy asked. “Well didn’t ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus. “Ah, praise the Almighty!” Paddy replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”
  • The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first match.
  • One night I was chatting with my Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: “When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”

What’s your funniest joke?

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Ivanka Trump disappointed by Justin Trudeau and “Come From Away”

Ivanka Trump went from elated to dejected when she realized Come From Away was a new Broadway play, not an intimate encounter with Justin Trudeau

Ivanka Trump meeting Justin Trudeau
Ivanka Trump was clearly disappointed that Justin Trudeau wouldn’t see what she had on under her trench coat

Ivanka Trump was clearly confused and disappointed by her “Come from Away” encounter with Justin Trudeau in New York. She had prepared for an intimate night alone in an old theater with Justin, but she was embarrassed and saddened by her mistake.

  Ivanka showed up in a black trench coat with little on under it

Trudeau is building a relationship with Ivanka to influence her father in future NAFTA negotiations. So he invited her to a Broadway play based on Americans taking sex vacations in a remote Canadian city. (Funny fact that the city is called St. John’s for the Johns who travel their for sex).

Ivanka – who like her father lusts after exotic foreigners – took the invitation literally and showed up in a black trench coat with little on under it.

Ivanka Trump Lingerie
No one but Ivanka knows what she had on under her trench coat – if anything – but it must have been interesting……

Trudeau seemed flattered by her intent, but was officially introducing the show and speaking to the crowd so he could not slip away with her.

Since meeting in Washington they have fed their mutual attraction by meeting at least once every week.

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Ivanka Trump and Justin Trudeau
Justin Trudeau and Ivanka Trump have been an item since the met and had lunch together in Washington

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Refugees Cross Canadian border during blizzard – was it a Trump Plan?

A stampede of refugees used a spring blizzard as cover to cross the Canadian Border from New York State. The question is who organized it?

Refugees Cross Canadian Border From New York
Refugees leave their cars and make a run for it at the Lacolle Quebec border area

During a raging spring blizzard on March 14th refugees stampeded across the Canada US  border from New York State to Lacolle Quebec. This is the first time since Donald Trump became President that a significant number of refugees crossed the border into Canada.

Hundreds, perhaps thousands are believed to have made it across

Authorities are questioning whether this is a sign of things (refugee numbers) to come and wonder who helped organize this group of border jumpers.

Prior to this refugees jumping the border were limited to a few a day. Yesterday under cover of the storm hundreds, perhaps thousands are believed to have made it across.

With numbers like this is it is clear they were organized. What not clear is was it done in the US or Canada?

A police roadblock and white-outs from the blizzard caused refugees to abandon their cars and run for the border.


American refugees entering Canada through official border crossings will be returned to America as per border treaties. If they enter by crossing the open border they can stay and seek refugee status.

 Refugees have been making the border crossing individually or in small family groups. Earlier this week a refugee came close to death by attempting the crossing in sub zero weather. Mamadou’s nightmare: One man’s brush with death crossing U.S.-Quebec border.

 This has lead border authorities to suspect that these refugees had help and organization to attempt the crossing when they did in such numbers.

  Refugees purposely crashed the cars to keep the border security patrols busy

Rather than walking long distances through the snowy wilderness they drove close to the border in cars and used the storm for cover as they ran across the last fields and crossed the border.

  Refugees purposely crashed the cars to keep the border security patrols busy while they ran the short distance across the border.

The border in this area is not secured by walls or regular border patrols but it is under heavy electronic surveillance. Sensors, cameras and drones collect data and send it to intelligence centers where the border is closely monitored.

Some were convinced that President Trump organized this to promote his border security plans

During the blizzard many of the cameras drones and sensors were not 100% functional so identifying the situation took loner than usual. When border patrols were dispatched, they had to contend with the blizzard as well.

Driving was slow and many of the cars purposely crashed their cars to block the patrols from reaching them. No one was seriously hurt but many crossed the border untouched.

The questions to be answered are:

  • Who organized so many refugees to cross at the same time?
  • How did they know the surveillance technology was not working in the storm?
  • Who owned the cars that they used and crashed?

It’s also unclear if the organization came from the American side or Canadian. Some were convinced that President Trump organized this to promote his border security plans. Others thought that Prime Minister Trudeau had the border guards turn a blind eye to allow more of the valuable refugees into the county.

Canada US Border Surveillance Technology
Scanners, Cameras, Motion/Heat/Sound detectors and Drones are key to patrolling the Canada USA border

The possible reason Montreal Police left 300 Cars Stranded on Hwy 13

Snow covered cars make driver profiling impossible, witnesses say Police leave people on road overnight rather than take risks with visible minorities.

Cars stranded on Hwy 13 Montreal
Montreal Police and SQ left 300 cars stranded on the hwy overnight

In a year that has started with many allegations of racist police profiling  things may not be getting better for police. When the biggest store of the year led to a major accident on Hwy 13 over 300 vehicles were left stranded.

Normally  if the cars were stuck for more than a few hours, then police would take steps to remove occupants of the cars to shelter. Witnesses say Police began to go car to car directing drivers to drive in the wrong direction so they could take the Cote des Neiges exit. Then they stopped.

Police have been relying on profiling to proactively arrest black people prior to committing their crimes.

Those on site said the police stopped removing the cars when they became so snow covered that they could not see inside and profile the drivers. They said they were short staffed because of the storm and did not want to be surprised by cars with black people without backup.  They decided to leave the people stranded on the highway until they could get backup.

Montreal Police and SQ have long been accused of racism by relying on profiling to proactively arrest black people prior to committing their crimes.  In this case it backfired as it prevented them from doing their job in such a public situation – the Blizzard of 2017.

No comments have been made from the Center on Research-Action on Race Relations (CRARR), or the Montreal Mayors Office.

Related:

Millennial spends 30 hours stranded in car – next to a payphone

 

 

 

Justin Trudeau and Ivanka Trump together again on Game of Thrones Season 7

 Justin  and Ivanka have been close since they met last month in Washington, now they are hooking up again on the set of Game of Thrones.

Justin Trudeau Ivanka Trump Game of Thrones
It is not clear how big their roles will be but Justin Trudeau and Ivanka Trump will be joining the cast of Game of Thrones this season.

Justin  Trudeau has put government activities on hold until he better understands what President Trump’s economic policies will be. Ivanka Trump has stopped designing clothes until retailers confirm they will carry her lines. So the opportunity for them to make a guest appearance on Season 7 of HBO’s most popular show is perfect.

Justin Trudeau Game of Thrones
Justin’s Trudeau’s long hair from the past would have suited him better in this role.

The main role of a Prime Minister is to get re-elected and Justin Trudeau seems perfect for it. His looks and charisma have carried him for a few years without implementing any new government policies.

His Liberal government has focused on spending to the point where it will take years for Canadians to pay it off. So he needs to find a new way to remain popular with voters.

Ivanka became interested when she heard that Trudeau would be guesting.

Trudeau’s advisors worked hard to set this up hoping that it will appeal to young Millennial voters. He has been seen at his regular gym practicing with swords so there could be some interesting fight scenes planned for him.

It is not know if he will get the customary G.O.T. tattoo that the show guests get as a badge of honor after being on the show.

Ivanka Trump Game of Thrones

Ivanka Trump’s plucked eyebrows and heavy model’s makeup will not suite the show, where are rumors she may even wear blue contacts to make her character more believable.

Ivanka became interested in the show when she heard that Trudeau would be guesting. It will be an adventure for her as she has never been outside of a city for any length of time and this show is filmed in beautiful but rural locations.

“You don’t put a bumper sticker on a Porsche!”

Ivanka admitted that she did not know much about the Adventure Fantasy show but claimed any time spent with Justin Trudeau was an adventure and her fantasy would be to act in a romantic scenes.

As for the G.O.T. tattoo – Ivanka’s father did not want to approve her getting one as he doesn’t find them sexy. However when Steve Bannon heard Trump say “You don’t put a bumper sticker on a Porsche!” He told him he had to make sure she got one as Porsche’s are foreign cars and they need to break the rules.

The date the show will be aired has not yet been released by HBO.

Ivanka Trump and Justin Trudeau
People believe Ivanka Trump wants more of  Justin Trudeau’s attention.

 

 

100% Off coupon causes fight between store owner and Extreme Coupon shoppers

A 100% off coupon caused  a near riot with Hundreds of shoppers in McComb, Mississippi fashion store.

100% off coupon

McComb Mississippi:   In an ugly scene normally saved for Black Friday, hundreds of angry shoppers vandalized De Loxy Fashions. The customers were excited by the store’s 100% off coupons. They were expecting to use them to get free clothing.

It was like a food fight with clothes!

The store’s owner Roy De Lox was happy with the shopping frenzy until the customers tried to pay with just the coupons. When he realized what they were trying to do he threw everyone out of the store  and locked the door.

Store staff said “it was like a food fight with clothes” as customers made an angry exit. “Then they started messing up the front of the store with garbage, lipstick anything they could find.”

We mark things up 100%, so 100% Off means everything is half price!

Mr De Lox was very upset with the customers“We wanted to clear out inventory to make room for spring fashions.” “Since we mark things up 100%, so 100% off means everything is half price, not free!” “These people are crazy if they think we are giving the whole store away for free.”

” We work hard and give 110% every day and then a bunch of crazy customers show up and try to take things for free” continued Mr De Lox

Police cleared the shoppers away and no charges were laid. The Federal Bureau of consumer protection is investigating.

100% off extreme coupon riot
The fashion store was vandalized by the Angry Extreme Coupon crowd

McComb is the hometown of superstar Brittney Spears and her sister Jamie Lynn Spears. It is not known if they shop at this store.

100% off extreme coupon riot
The 100% Off coupon that started it all

 

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New Vancouver Trump Hotel Presidential Suite has custom Golden Showers, Locker rooms.

Donald Trump leveraged his presidential status to customize the new Vancouver Trump Hotel Presidential Suites. His first guests might be the best thing about it.

trump-hotels-presidential-suites
Vancouver Trump Presidential Suite: all the pleasures a creepy old guest would want- at his fingertips!

President Donald Trump is not one to miss a money making or ego boosting opportunity. Now he is leveraging his position as President in his hotel business. His goal is to own the Presidential Suite name worldwide, stops others from using it, and make a load of cash.

The Vancouver Trump Hotel was still under construction when President Trump was elected. He quickly upgraded the plans for the Presidential Suite to reflect his new status.

 

trump-presidential-suite-bedroom
Trump added photos of himself and Ivanka to turn up the sexiness of master the bedroom 

New additions to the President’s customized suite include:

 

  • Golden Showers in the main bedroom bathroom
  • A customer locker room. Guests can be assured they can walk in at any time and surprise pretty young women getting undressed. They are experienced with creepy men who want to get a grip on things or engage in “locker Room Talk”.
    • (Ultra Right Wing guests can also role play their “Co-ed / Transgender washroom fantasies by sneaking in wearing women’s clothing and peep at women using the toilets.)   
  • Photos of Trump and his daughter Ivanka – she will be around longer than his wives so the photos will not have to be changed over time.
  • Staff that has personally worked with the President. Since KellyAnne Conway has stepped back from public appearances at the Whitehouse she has been seen working the doors at the main entrance of the hotel.

Presidential suites have been around since 1913 when President Wilson insisted on having certain things in his hotel rooms – like toilets. Luxury Hotels soon caught on that they could upgrade the services, charge ridiculous rates and people would pay. Generally the most expensive room in the hotel, top Presidential Suites cost tens of thousands of dollars. The art deco Presidential Suite at the Grand Hyatt Martinez Cannes as much as $51,800 per night.

What is a Presidential Suite?

It must be south-facing in the Northern Hemisphere and north-facing in the Southern Hemisphere, containing an “en-suite” bathroom and walk-in closet (in Wilson’s era en-suite bathrooms were uncommon).  Read More>


Unfortunately in Donald Trump’s view the Presidential Suite did not get off to a good start. It is rumoured that the first guests were a queer married Hispanic couple from San Diego. They spent a week there “breaking in the suite” knowing that Trump would hate it.

It will be interesting to see if the suite  becomes a rich gay bucket list destination and how the Donald will deal with it. Heavy Vetting of Guests perhaps?

trump-hotel vancouver
The Trump Tower Hotel in Vancouver

 

trump-hotels-presidential-suites
Suites have exclusive access to many rooms and services to justify the premium ego trip for the guest.

Related Stories:

Day 1 Scandal – President Trump Listed the White House on Airbnb!

Trump’s Pitfall? Bannon has separated him from his Helicopter Kids

 

trump-presidential-suite
President trump’s dream would be to have the rights the name Presidential Suite