Category Archives: Entertainment

25 Great Jokes for a St Patrick’s Day Laugh

From Michael Fitzpatrick to Patrick Fitzmichael, Irish are known for their sense of humour and fun. Here are 25 jokes to get you set up for St Patrick’s day!

St Patricks Day jokes
If you can’t smile and have a laugh on St Patrick’s day – wen ken yah?

  Take some jokes, print them, cut them out, fold them, and toss them into a bowl (or mason jar if you are a Pinterest fan). It’s Hilarious to pass them around after a meal or in a meeting and read them out-loud, Speaking in our best – or worst – accent!

Here are some favourites:

  • “I had an accident opening a can of alphabet spaghetti this morning,” said Murphy. “Were you injured?” inquired Seamus.  “No, but it could have spelled disaster,”
  • A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” No one takes up the offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes he comes back and asks the Texan “Is your bet still good?” The Texan says yes and the bartender lines up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?” The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
  • An Irish priest gets stopped for speeding. The officer smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and asks” father, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest.  “Then why do I smell wine?”The priest says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

The Teacher everyone feared -Mrs McPhail

  • Reilly is walking through a graveyard when he comes across a headstone with the inscription “Here lies a politician and an honest man.” ‘Faith now,’ exclaims Reilly, ‘I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave. 1
  • ‘O’Toole and his wife are in bed one night and they hear the neighbour’s dog is barking its head off in the garden. Somewhat disturbed by the noise, O’Toole explodes, ‘Botheration and that!’ and storms off downstairs. He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, ‘What did you do, O’Toole?’O’Toole replies with a wide grin, ‘I’ve put the dog in our garden so I did, now let’s see how they like it.’
  • O’Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery. After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, ‘Not guilty.’ ‘That’s grand,’ shouted O’Gara, ‘Does that mean I get to keep the money?’

The falling Mountain Climber – Rick O’Shea

  • An English man and an Irish man are driving and collide on a sharp bend in the road. They are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other. The Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims, ”may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.” The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. He goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: ”no thanks, I’ll just wait till the Cops get here!”
  • Irish 7 Course Meal: 6 Beers and 1 Potato. No you can’t substitute the potato for another Beer.
  • I’m not always sarcastic – just kidding- I’m Irish Sarcasm is my second language.
  • Two Irishmen, Pat and Murphy, saw sign saying “Tree fellers” wanted Murphy said to Pat, said, ‘If only Seamus had been with us we’d have got that job.’ (One of those Irish Jokes better told than written).

The Popular Boyfriends – Phil McCracken, Miles O’Toole

  • “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?” “Certainly father,” “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
  • Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness. The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness. When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone. The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.” Paudie explains: “You would drink fast too if you had what I have.” The barman asks: “What do you have?”         The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!”
  • Jerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day. One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog. His pal Billy sees him and asks: “Where is your dog?” Mr Murphy answers: “I had to have him put down.” “Was he mad,” asks Billy. “He wasn’t too pleased,” Mr Murphy replies.
Best Irish Jokes Pinterest
A bowl full of jokes for St Patrick’s Day and some Wint-O-Green Lifesavers – the ones that make sparks when you crunch them!
  • An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: “Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?” The Irishman replies: “No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.” The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys. The barman asks: “Did something happen one of your brothers?” “Oh no,” replies the Irishman. “I just decided to quit drinking!”

A little bit stubborn – Will Knott and his bride Betty Wood-Knott

  • Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working. He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “Yes,no,yes,no,yes,no,yes,no”
  • ‘What’s wrong with Murphy?’ asked Father Green. ‘I don’t know, Father. Yesterday he swallowed a spoon and he hasn’t stirred since,’ said Mrs Murphy.
  • ‘I’m the unluckiest person in the whole world,’ moaned Betty McGrath. ‘I bought a non-stick pan and can’t get the label off.’
  • ‘How come every time you ring a wrong number it’s never busy?’

The Well seasoned Belly Dancer – A waist of thyme

  • ‘Hello, Mary, how’s your new false teeth?’ asked Bridget. ‘I’m leaving them out till I get used to them!’
  • An Irish lass, a customer: ‘Could I be trying on that dress in the window?’ Shopkeeper: ‘I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.’
  • Feeney shouted from the kitchen, ‘Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantel piece?’   ‘No,’ said himself, ‘but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.’
  • O’Callaghan was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife, ‘Hurry up or we’ll be late.’ ‘Oh, be quiet,’ replied his wife.  ‘Haven’t I been telling you for the last hour that I’ll be ready in a minute?’

Most effective Irish Sunblock – a Pub!

  • Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy “Jez, that look like Sean” to which Paddy replied “No Sean was taller than that”
  • Paddy was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. “What’s wrong, Seamus?” Paddy asked. “Well didn’t ya know, Paddy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus. “Ah, praise the Almighty!” Paddy replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”
  • The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first match.
  • One night I was chatting with my Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: “When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”

What’s your funniest joke?

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Ivanka Trump disappointed by Justin Trudeau and “Come From Away”

Ivanka Trump went from elated to dejected when she realized Come From Away was a new Broadway play, not an intimate encounter with Justin Trudeau

Ivanka Trump meeting Justin Trudeau
Ivanka Trump was clearly disappointed that Justin Trudeau wouldn’t see what she had on under her trench coat

Ivanka Trump was clearly confused and disappointed by her “Come from Away” encounter with Justin Trudeau in New York. She had prepared for an intimate night alone in an old theater with Justin, but she was embarrassed and saddened by her mistake.

  Ivanka showed up in a black trench coat with little on under it

Trudeau is building a relationship with Ivanka to influence her father in future NAFTA negotiations. So he invited her to a Broadway play based on Americans taking sex vacations in a remote Canadian city. (Funny fact that the city is called St. John’s for the Johns who travel their for sex).

Ivanka – who like her father lusts after exotic foreigners – took the invitation literally and showed up in a black trench coat with little on under it.

Ivanka Trump Lingerie
No one but Ivanka knows what she had on under her trench coat – if anything – but it must have been interesting……

Trudeau seemed flattered by her intent, but was officially introducing the show and speaking to the crowd so he could not slip away with her.

Since meeting in Washington they have fed their mutual attraction by meeting at least once every week.

Related Stories:

Justin Trudeau and Ivanka Trump together again on Game of Thrones Season 7

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Reason behind Trump, Trudeau’s First meeting delay

Ivanka Trump and Justin Trudeau
Justin Trudeau and Ivanka Trump have been an item since the met and had lunch together in Washington

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Trump fires Schwarzenegger, wants Hillary Clinton to host The Apprentice.

Hillary Clinton was Donald Trump’s first choice to replace him as host of The Apprentice, with Schwarzenegger out he has asked her again.

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Hillary Clinton would be the first female host of a reality TV show.

With Donald Trump firing Arnold Schwarzenegger as the host of The Apprentice (definitely not an arms length relationship with the show) Trump needs to quickly find a replacement. He has gone back to his surprise first choice for the role – Hillary Clinton.

Behind the scenes the Donald Trump and the Clintons have renewed the close relationship they had before the election. Trump has been looking to support them as his election attacks on the Clinton Foundation have caused donations to dry up. This has greatly reduced the Clinton’s income.

Trump has been using Bill Clinton as a paid consultant to his team. His mastery of Double Speak (“I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky.” Read More>)

has helped President Trump’s team deal with the media on the allegations about their relationship with Russia.

Now Trump has gone back to Hillary with an offer to host The Apprentice again. We should know shortly if she accepts. Original Story: Trump To Make Clinton New Host of The Apprentice

Other choices – following the “I keep my friends close and my enemies closer philosophy” include:

  • Meryl Streep – who Trump wants to play host as her character Miranda Priestly from the film The Devil Wears Prada (weird idea as this is a reality show)
  • Alec Baldwin – I would get him off Saturday Night live – but he is rumored to want to do the show in character as Trump. The real Trump may agree to this if the ratings continue to dip.
  • Micheal Scott  -From The Office, Trump was heard to ask for him by name. It is thought that he thinks it is a reality show and does not realize Scott is played by actor Steve Carell.
streep-baldwin-carrell
The fight for ratings means that the “reality” show The Apprentice could have Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin, or Steve Carell in character as the show’s host  

Related

Alec Baldwin’s impression of Trump is a step towards him running in 2020 Election

Facebook Fake News Censorship Plan Was Challenged by Trump, Jokes, Ads

 Early fake news algorithm censored Jokes, Oxymorons, Extended Sales and Donald Trump!

Facebook’s launched a toned down Fake News censoring Algorithm was today after months of failures.

facebook-fake-news
Early Algorithms took the fun and money out of Facebook

 

Facebook’s first tries at censoring fake news had some big effects on it’s content and advertising revenues that had to be quickly repaired. Including:

  • Ads for extended sales like Black Friday “Week”.
  • Fake events like Santa’s Birthday Party or Stag at Bars.
  • Oxymoron’s like “Military Intelligence” were removed from jokes and news stories.
  • All April fools jokes and videos were flagged and jammed the system.
  • Donald Trump’s “Trump-isms” and Alternative Facts were a huge challenge.  Are they right or not?

Facebook claim’s to have gotten it right this time but it will take time to know for sure.

Trump MAGA Policy Shocks Academy – Oscar Nominations a Mess

President Trump’s Make America Great Again policies are having wide ranging effects including Hollywood Oscar Contenders.

oscars-trump
Academy Lawyers are scrambling to save the 2017 awards – Everything is a foreign film!

It’s being called Trump’s revenge on Meryl Streep and other Hollywood stars.The new policy forces Hollywood studios to make movies 100% American or they will be hit with high taxes.

“Movies should be written, directed, filmed and acted by Americans exclusively and filmed within US Borders.” ” No more American Western films made in Canada or Mexico, they can make their own films.” “We need to keep movie jobs in America”

Academy insiders are calling this Trump propaganda

President Trump’s team has contacted the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to implement this change for the upcoming 2017 Oscar Awards.

In Trump’s view if a movie is not 100% American made then it should be in the Foreign Film Category. Academy insiders are calling this Trump propaganda and are consulting their lawyers to see what they can do.

 “Most of the voting for the 2017 Oscars are completed and nominations will be announced soon. If we have to make changes now the whole show will be a shambles!”

 

trump-anti-foreign-film
Past Trump tweets gave a hint of what was coming

Academy Lawyers are checking on options to save this years award show but the decision ultimately goes to the movie studios who are implicated financially.

The 2017 Oscars are for movies made in the past few years and released in 2016. “We asked – If the policy effects awards for movies released in 2016 does it mean we will owe taxes for these movies?” “They said they hadn’t thought of that yet – it’s just details.” 

This could turn out to being the most watched Oscar program in years – just don’t talk about the attendance numbers.